i wrote about how happy i was with my pregnancy about 3 months ago in this blog; pregnant with the 1st baby, of cos la the excitement was beyond words..everything seems so normal at first, i din even have the morning sickness syndrom which i was so relieved of at that time, was taking vitamins as prescribed by doctors, trying not to get stressed with works (and at some points dat i can remember, during my pregnancy last time la yg i dun really lost my temper or stressed out over little things etc)..was so excited tat i spent most of my time reading books about pregnancy, the day to day journey, even can imagine the small little hands curling into mine, browsing tru the pregnancy attire (even bought some of them oredi)..
until one day, when the lost was within grasp and shattered our happiness. It was on Tuesday, 8/3/11, when i realized about the brown spotting on my panties, it's very little tho. But i started to feel uncomfortable tat i went to Bihah, confided in her and we went to Klinik Rantau. The Dr did the ultrasound and she dropped the shattering news. She cud see the sac but there was no baby inside. But as there might be some possibilities that the growth was very slow, she advised me to see the specialist as they can do the vagina scan which can give the clearer picture of the baby.
For some reason i waited until Thursday to see the specialist (thanx abeb btw for the offer,:)). Took the flight on Thursday morning and headed straight to Prince Court wit my hubby. The Dr asked a few questions; am i having my menses regularly?when was my last period etc..and he straight away concluded tat there was a high chance that i was having the missed miscarriage (previously known as blighted ovum). Was about to shed the tears when i heard him saying dat, when i was reli hoping for the miracles, so tat our baby was still alive at tat time. He was being so blunt but later on, i gez i would prefer the Dr to be dat way, there's no points of letting the patients pinning hope over something fragile. However we did the vagina scan, and i can saw my baby, but he's not breathing anymore. The Dr told us tat the size was too small for a 9 weeks pregnancy, might has stopped growing at 6 weeks.
I told the Dr tat i wanna wait for another one week (still hoping for the miracles); it cant be latter than tat as D&C is a must or else we gonna risk of getting the infection etc which might tempered with another attempt to conceive..but have a change of mind when one of my fren who had the same miscarriage symptoms told me tat she had the heavy bleeding after 2 3 days being diagnosed with the same missed miscarriage. and taking into consideration tat i lived alone in Kerteh, wat if i heavily bleed at nite etc, i decided to do the D&C and redha that i already lost my baby.
I was admitted on Sunday nite, did another vagina scan on Monday morning to reconfirm (and the result was still the same), the Dr insert the induced tablet inside the vagina to help inducing the path so tat it will be easier to perform the D&C. started to have the cramps and bleeding continously after that until around 130pm. I was admitted to the operation theather, was under GA and when i opened my eyes at around 4pm, i was already at the waiting bay, waited for me to be stabilized before sending back to the room. Feel a bit sore in my tummy but thanks to GA and antibiotics, the pains were bearable. The D&C process was only taking about 10-15mins but the GA process and waiting for the patients to be awake contributed to the long side of the process.
and now, after almost a month, i think am able to take it positively; there's always silver lining after every dark clouds aite? and another thing, He has granted me with lotsa big things these years around; happily married wit the man tat i loved, got my e2 in less than 4 years, 2 ppa rating 2 out of 3 cycles, financially stable, surrounded by good peoples..so perhaps He thinks tat if He is to bestow everything all at once to me, i might end up forgeting Him and take things for granted. So definitely am redha with this test and praying hard to have babies in near future..
To hubby especially, thank u for being strong and calmly accept this lost; tho i know tat we both feel the bereft and emptiness deep down
To my families, thank u for taking care of me..
And to my frens, thanx for all the supports and encouragement..
i definitely love all of u.....
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