when u are not around...

bile u ader kat rumah time weekend, i akan salo hangin bila u sepahkan bilik, bile u semayang and tak lipat balik sejadah, or bile u sepahkan kain semayang i time u amik sejadah..i salo stress bile u sidai je baju dekat massage chair, and bile u tinggal je mangkuk mug seme dlm sink after u bfast ari ahad time i keje and i jugak yang kene kemas balik seme tu..or sakitnya ati i bila u still tak tolong buang sampah dekat dapur yang i da mintak tolong nicely u buat before i g opis..haishhh

but now, the 1st weekend without u in d house, d house is clean and neat....i shud be happy, but y is that deep down i feel empty?? and suddenly realized that i'd rather bear all tos stressful stuffs u did; rather than staring at the empty wall, enduring the lonely moment; all without u by my side.........................................................................................................................

gosh how i miss u..

i can still vaguely remember the day u caught my eyes, it was perhaps two or three weeks after my 1st day in PMO..u were wearing a black suit, and there was somethg about u that kinda intriguing, somethg i cant just understand and made me secretly wish to bump into u once again..

and the story began starting 2007..frenship, love and finally marriage; the journey was not easy, not always the bed of roses kind of love story..but as we will always have silver lining after every dark clouds (thanx abeb, abiha and adli), i thank God that we finally made it, and deep down i always know tat i have made the right decision..Thank God for bringing u into my life..

the days fade away quickly whenever am with u, the joy in your laughter, the sparkles in ur eyes, the warm in your hugs, your compassion for everyone around u tat i found to be so admiring.. even it is less than 48 hours since our last goodbye, gosh, my heart is now sinking faster and faster..the last goodbye, when we both trying to be strong, not to shed any tears..but when we both know, deep down it was so hard to conceal the feeling..

i love u, and i miss u sayang, in every single breath, in every single second..wishing that the time will fly fast so that it will be tat awaited 70 days already and to freeze the time for that 20 days break..

jangan langgar pantang, hoho

makan ikan tongkol was never an issue wit me before, and definitely i dun have allergy for any sea food or fish in particular..but tis was wat happened to me last sunday..had bfast wit nasi dagang ikan tongkol and around 12pm, started to feel itchy around my back..tot it was normal and mite because of the bed sheet..but it's getting worse in d evening, swollen wit the red patches and found myself starting to scratch all over my body..

as i cudnt take it anymore, we went to Klinik Kita in Ampang, the dr (a very young lady, gez younger than me) prescribed two types of tablet wic were supposed to reduce the allergy and swipe away the itchiness..but later at nite, as i din feel any better, we decided to straight away get the shot at prince court. the dr was quite shocked when i showed him one of the earlier prescribed tablet; it contained the STEROID and it was not supposed to be given to the patients...gosh, luckily i went straight away to prince court tat nite, or else i wud have swallow them all and just think about the side effects later on..haiyaaa, started to feel sceptic about being treated by a young dr (but to be fair, some are very good tho)..

lesson learnt:

i) jgn langgar pantang larang org tua2..ikan2 yang gatal it not supposed to be taken during pantang (was on my 33rd day of pantang)..it mite be ok during normal time, but probably due to some hormonal changes, the body reacted differently.

mode: serabut

The tide of fatigue came sweeping and it left me in the grumpy mode all day long; losing patience over small little things (or not so small things) i.e when the shutdown coordinator specifically mentioned that the schedule was not complete only for PME5 and I was like, WTF, when I have long submitted the work pack, and they shud have prepared the integrated schedule right beforehand..

and then one of the *S annoyed me when we had the clashes of views on the U**T date; it’s easy to instruct and bullshitting about asking the contractor to comply when u are not the one who’s doing the manpower planning, talking about having back up etc, WTH…don’t u realize that we are talking about 3 location shutdown all at once, and we, the EICs are depending on the same contractor to do the works for all the locations??? wit all tos strict requirement of not having the 1st timer offshore to be onboard during shutdown and u expect us to find replacement within 24 hours, yes, we do prepare the back up personnel onshore but it is supposed to cater for any emergency DURING shutdown later on…

then when tis one lembab contractor once again gave me another problem; asked them to submit the revised schedule as the shutdown date has been differed to middle May 2011 instead of 1st May previously; when I have notified them 5 days earlier and still, they din comply…haihh, tat’s wat will happen when u cheated during the tendering; when u so called tutup periuk nasik the one yg deserve to get the job and u will always end up wit the incompliance to Carigali requests and us the EICs to curse u..dah stage yang tak tahu nak buat ape wit this contractor, and the best part, they got two big contracts with us currently, integrated with sko sbo lak tu..and din perform for both contracts..suddenly menyampah wit the PIC, when there’s still no action taken even though we have lodged lotsa complains..

I was tired I guess and was not in the good mood..physically, perhaps contributed from the lack of rest this weekend and lack of sleep last time (got doa selamat for hubby wit everything ends at around 1130 am and have to catch the early flight to kerteh tis morning)..and mentally, probably because I still cant get my head off from thinking of the PPA result tis year. I got 3, wic is expected as my ppa was deliberated among other E2s, and I only being an E2 for less than 4 months (as the ppa started in Jan 2011), and of cos, knowing some of the people who got 2 this year, I kno dat they truly deserve it..

but wat bothers me is probably the remarks from one of the S*; when he said that I dun deserve a 2 tis yr because of the delay in providing response and action for the electrical problem at angsi and because of the electrical downtime for some of the equipments and systems..i was stunned when I heard about the remarks; if there is one thing that I prided myself, that will be on providing the quick action and response on the arising issues..i confided in my gud fren offshore; did I really tat bad in delivering my works??, did he feels the same way too?..hearing that remarks, he was shocked as for him, they always got the prompt response from PME5 in any related issues if compared to some other section..tetiba rasa malas nak buat keje, feels like showing him wat does it really means by providing slow response and actions..and tell him to the face, “la, da en ****** cakap sy kan lambat, availability and uptime tak bagus mana, then tis is wat u deserve la..sounds so unprofessional I kno and i mite not have the guts to confront a manager like that, but for now I just cant tink straight…suddenly miss working with Dulang team, at least they recognized my strength and treats me fairly...

p/s we had the downtime for CCVT tis year, but dont u understand tat it will always happen during the monsoon season?dont u realize that we have minimize the number of tripping with some improvement done if compared to previous years??dont u understand tat it's d communication issues tat prolonged the shutdown last time when we cant monitor the status of CCVT from PG??and y do keep mentioning about UPS failure when that one day downtime was happened in FEB LAST YR? i was just joined angsi for one month at tat time; in case u miss anything, we dont have any plant shutdown because of UPS tis cycle..and are u going to keep on rating and judging me on the years ahead based on the issues happened in the previous cycles?? so much for being fair and square manager, blah la..

sudan oh sudan..

emirates ke sudan amik masa 3 days to reach qartum and lagi 2 days balik mesia..kesimpulannya 5 days da abeh travelling..makanya kalo nak apply cuti kalo 3 weeks adalah cuma ~ 2 weeks je lebih kurang..

akak depan umah datang borak2 petang tadi, as her husband also in sudan currently..she told me to pack all tos frozen fuds like squids, prawns, lotsa brahims etc..her husband has been there for 3 years and waiting to be transferred back to kerteh, but as there is still no replacement to overtake his position, his transfer is kept on hold..haiyaa, wat if it takes more than 3 years for hubby to stay there??huhu

even if we are far apart, we will still looking at the same sky...

hubby dropped the news a few days ago, he finally got the transferred letter to Sudan and officially it is for at least 3 years. I actually had a mixed feeling about this arrangement, of course am so happy for him as he stands a big opportunity to move forward in his career with this transfer and most importantly he's happy to be out of SP (yeah, because of that impossible old fella)..and the best part is for the 70-20 days arrangement, definitely better for us to have tat longingly longer break together (20 days straight in a row) instead of seeing each other during every weekend; it's not even close to two days due to different weekend between kl and kerteh..but deep down, am i strong enough to be so far apart from him for almost more than 2 months each time? is he going to be alright being alone in tat so called hostile country? wat if he got sick but i can do nothing and feel so helpless because we were thousands miles away?..but still, have to be strong and camouflage the feeling so that he wont end up worrying about leaving me alone.

someone asked me y din i asked for transfer to KL; and someone used to throw tis hurtful remark "am the one who put the career as priority over the family"..i din asked for transfer because ultimately we want to start a family in kerteh, because we both love the serenity, work life and personal life in kerteh, because hubby will ask for the position back in kerteh sometimes later, because i dont want to risk being assigned to Lumut or pasir gudang and has to work at the yard even during pregnancy (if) like one of my fren; kerteh is definitely nearer to kl and better if compared to tos two places; at least for me it is, because i dont want to risk being assigned to any overseas project if i am to join DD.....but wateva my reason is, definitely it is not for the people to judge...

am thinking of following hubby to sudan at least for two weeks or one month later..but has to wait until after angsi shutdown, or else kesian rahimi to take over my jobs when he himself is occupied with lots of things on his plate..

When He Has Another Plan for Us...

i wrote about how happy i was with my pregnancy about 3 months ago in this blog; pregnant with the 1st baby, of cos la the excitement was beyond words..everything seems so normal at first, i din even have the morning sickness syndrom which i was so relieved of at that time, was taking vitamins as prescribed by doctors, trying not to get stressed with works (and at some points dat i can remember, during my pregnancy last time la yg i dun really lost my temper or stressed out over little things etc)..was so excited tat i spent most of my time reading books about pregnancy, the day to day journey, even can imagine the small little hands curling into mine, browsing tru the pregnancy attire (even bought some of them oredi)..

until one day, when the lost was within grasp and shattered our happiness. It was on Tuesday, 8/3/11, when i realized about the brown spotting on my panties, it's very little tho. But i started to feel uncomfortable tat i went to Bihah, confided in her and we went to Klinik Rantau. The Dr did the ultrasound and she dropped the shattering news. She cud see the sac but there was no baby inside. But as there might be some possibilities that the growth was very slow, she advised me to see the specialist as they can do the vagina scan which can give the clearer picture of the baby.

For some reason i waited until Thursday to see the specialist (thanx abeb btw for the offer,:)). Took the flight on Thursday morning and headed straight to Prince Court wit my hubby. The Dr asked a few questions; am i having my menses regularly?when was my last period etc..and he straight away concluded tat there was a high chance that i was having the missed miscarriage (previously known as blighted ovum). Was about to shed the tears when i heard him saying dat, when i was reli hoping for the miracles, so tat our baby was still alive at tat time. He was being so blunt but later on, i gez i would prefer the Dr to be dat way, there's no points of letting the patients pinning hope over something fragile. However we did the vagina scan, and i can saw my baby, but he's not breathing anymore. The Dr told us tat the size was too small for a 9 weeks pregnancy, might has stopped growing at 6 weeks.

I told the Dr tat i wanna wait for another one week (still hoping for the miracles); it cant be latter than tat as D&C is a must or else we gonna risk of getting the infection etc which might tempered with another attempt to conceive..but have a change of mind when one of my fren who had the same miscarriage symptoms told me tat she had the heavy bleeding after 2 3 days being diagnosed with the same missed miscarriage. and taking into consideration tat i lived alone in Kerteh, wat if i heavily bleed at nite etc, i decided to do the D&C and redha that i already lost my baby.

I was admitted on Sunday nite, did another vagina scan on Monday morning to reconfirm (and the result was still the same), the Dr insert the induced tablet inside the vagina to help inducing the path so tat it will be easier to perform the D&C. started to have the cramps and bleeding continously after that until around 130pm. I was admitted to the operation theather, was under GA and when i opened my eyes at around 4pm, i was already at the waiting bay, waited for me to be stabilized before sending back to the room. Feel a bit sore in my tummy but thanks to GA and antibiotics, the pains were bearable. The D&C process was only taking about 10-15mins but the GA process and waiting for the patients to be awake contributed to the long side of the process.

and now, after almost a month, i think am able to take it positively; there's always silver lining after every dark clouds aite? and another thing, He has granted me with lotsa big things these years around; happily married wit the man tat i loved, got my e2 in less than 4 years, 2 ppa rating 2 out of 3 cycles, financially stable, surrounded by good peoples..so perhaps He thinks tat if He is to bestow everything all at once to me, i might end up forgeting Him and take things for granted. So definitely am redha with this test and praying hard to have babies in near future..

To hubby especially, thank u for being strong and calmly accept this lost; tho i know tat we both feel the bereft and emptiness deep down

To my families, thank u for taking care of me..

And to my frens, thanx for all the supports and encouragement..

i definitely love all of u.....

When u are emotionally unstable, then u do retail theraphy..

hahaha, not sure whether the title is valid anymore or no, as it has been more 4 weeks since the D&C (owh, thinking of writing a long entry on my D&C experience)..but still, it's good reason i gez to splurge without being scolded by other half hahaha..

this is the new Dior black sun shades wic i bought yesterday at Mesra Mall, wasnt plan to get one actually as i was just accompanying hubby to buy the new glasses. but as he picked one of the Tag Heuer glasses and made up his mind to buy that one, i was like errrr, ini tidak adil, hahaha..was browsing tru the sunglasses that they have and tried one by one just to kill the time as hubby was doing his eye test thingy..but as tat adik SA were so nice and warm to us and always a soft hearted person (chewaahh, hahah), tak sampai hati to walk away without buying one..owh btw, adik SA tu ckp camni "akak, akak chubby kak (erkk), cantik akak pakai spec besar mcm ni, ader tu sorg customer muka dia kurus, pakai spec besar muka dia nampak kelaka..cett, adik tu memuji sambil mengutuk, but innocently wic amused me n i juz laughed at his remarks instead of being offended..

hubby's new glasses

VS

My new Dior pandangan depan lak, hehe